So, what is this feeling? Why is it I keep explaining the same thing to myself over and over again? Why do I care what somebody else thinks; and if he's okay? What about me; what about how I feel? Then I begin to understand. My soul doesn't care about all that. It doesn't matter how many times I explain it, or how rational my mind puts the words. All my soul knows is that I miss him. I miss our friendship and I'm grieving. Nothing else seems to matter to my heart. My soul is grieving.
The questions about trust and how I could ever bring myself to trust this person and keep my self-respect just don't matter to my heart. All my heart can think about is that I had a friend and now I don't. I had what felt like love and relationship and camaraderie and companionship and now there's no one to call when I get off work to talk about my day. There's no one to vent to when things are going wrong. I've lost my sounding board. I can no longer get advice from him. But how can I trust him when he knew what I needed in our relationship and kept pushing the envelope until he got what he wanted--again. I need my self respect and I have every right to expect that from a man who claims to be a Christian, a man of God.
I miss our conversations. I miss our friendship. I miss his kindness. Sigh, I miss spending time with him. My soul is grieving, knowing I have to let him go.
I am grateful for this revelation. I'm grateful for the kindness I'm showing myself by not making any large decisions knowing that I'm grieving. I'm grateful for the patience that I seem to have with myself. It wasn't always that way.
