Split In Two

Has your life ever been split in two? You’ve experienced an event from which there’s no going back to the way things used to be. Read this. It’s a statement I made on Facebook on Dec. 22, 2010:
 
I know grappling with the utter sovereignty of God can be uncomfortable and humbling--believe me! Still, I don't want to replace the mind blowing LOVE of God for me demonstrated in Jesus coming to humanity and paying the price for my sin and my escape from the justified wrath of God with something as weak as self discovery and self redemption.
 
Now I’m reading that back and the first thing to cross my mind is, “Wow, what a statement considering what’s about to happen to me.” Yeah, that’s what crossed my mind. I know that in a couple short weeks from making that statement, my world is about to be turned upside down by the decision of another person. Upside down and forever different.
 
It’s a wonder this statement didn’t comfort me through that horrible time. I knew much less about grappling with God’s sovereignty then than I soon experienced. The Lord was trying to make a point with me about his love for me, a point that I would sadly doubt and question for months following that decision. It is one of my biggest regrets about that season in my life. I wish I’d had the anchor of absolute trust in God’s love for me despite the events that He obviously permitted or even orchestrated. But I did not. It was a swirl of doubt and unbelief and despair that just didn’t have to be. It made that period of my life all the worse! The One person I could freely talk to about this and get comfort from was less available to me because of my own mixed feelings towards Him—I was rather angry—and the mixture of doubt and knowledge of His love that wouldn’t let me rest.
 
Even now, I wonder would I be strong enough to handle catastrophe without doubting God’s love for me as a person. If something happens to one of my parents, will I doubt His love for me? If something happens to Ben? The thought makes me tightly close my eyes and clinch my teeth. The truth is, should I continue to be breathing, one or all of these scenarios will one day be my life. Perhaps my seeing this post today and considering it so is God’s push for me to shore up this part of my belief system. 
 
This statement also mentions “self redemption” at the end. If there’s one thing that time in my life attached it was the idea of earning God’s blessings through works. For my entire adult life, up to that point, I’d believed that I would somehow earn my heart’s desire by doing good in the church. My whole identity was wrapped up in being a worship leader and a good Christian. I refused to accept jobs that had me working on Sunday, I made sure I was available to church functions, I never dated and refused to seriously look for a husband outside the church walls—BIG MISTAKE. I was a good girl, one who felt her reward, the married life she always wanted and longed for, was well overdue. And THIS is the way you repay me?! I had more than a few choice words for the church in general, this church in particular, and ultimately for God. Through it all the point was finally made with me that I could not earn God’s blessings. Mind you these beliefs were craftily hidden under the surface of my heart. God had to expose them in spectacular fashion before I would acknowledge them. I’d lived for so long thinking I would indeed earn His blessings and approval, all the while never really enjoying His acceptance.
 
So, you see, my life was split in two. Two portions of history is my days, before and after. During that experience I realized that it was a turning point from which I could never go back. I could never regain the blind trust I had for the God I thought I knew. It felt as though I had to learn who God was all over again. I didn’t know that I liked this new picture very much. Actually, at the time I didn’t like it at all. But I learned, experienced first hand, that God could handle my being angry with him just fine. He didn’t shrink away from me when my tears rolled and my accusations flew like papers in a wind storm. He didn’t stop sending words of comfort in many different avenues. I just couldn’t hold onto them very long. He sent them anyway. [She wrote as her eyes filled with tears.] I’m so grateful You did!